Emily Lyons
Dear Friends,
I see ambivalence as a connecting thread running through today’s lectionary readings. What do I mean by ambivalence? I mean the distress of feeling pulled in opposite directions by conflicting emotions.
In Isaiah, the prophet says, “I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity; yet surely my cause is with the Lord, and my reward with my God.”
In the Gospel, Jesus acknowledges his ambivalence about the agonizing death that he knows he will soon suffer. He says, “Now my soul is troubled. And what should I say—’Father, save me from this hour’? No, it is for this reason that I have come to this hour.”
In these passages, Isaiah and Jesus seem pulled uncomfortably between uncertainty and conviction about what they are doing. Having experienced a lot of ambivalence about the direction of my own life recently, I find their ambivalence reassuring rather than disconcerting.
Paul writes to the Corinthians, “the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing.” For people who turn to faith hoping to be released from pain, I can see how it would seem foolish to put one’s faith in a God who not only submits to pain, but who feels ambivalent about it. What can almighty God have to feel ambivalent about?
Many of us have been taught that if we struggle, it’s because we are weak. If we feel difficult emotions, it’s because we’re unbalanced. If we face challenges in life that cause us suffering, it’s our own fault.
If these beliefs get mixed up with our understanding of Christian faith, the result is that we see any pain or adversity we experience as evidence of our moral and spiritual weakness. This seems to me to be a soul-crushing view of faith.
To counter this view, Paul teaches us, “God’s foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God’s weakness is stronger than human strength.”
What I take away from today’s readings is that having faith doesn’t mean we never have to experience pain or adversity. But, there is nothing wrong with us for feeling pain. This is an experience that we share with our God.
Knowing that may not take away our pain, but it might make the weight of it a little easier to bear.
In Christ,
—Emily
