Compassion, not judgment

[Episcopal News Service] When The Rev’d Albert Jennings, rector of St. Timothy’s Episcopal Church in Macedonia, Ohio, participated in Zoom meetings about suicide loss, he realized he was just as knowledgeable as the presenters despite having no background in psychology. That’s because he lost both his daughter and his brother to suicide.

“I never thought that I would be a person to understand what it’s like to go through something like that in life, that my path would have loved ones who died by suicide,” Jennings told Episcopal News Service. “Some days are awful because there are anniversaries and other things, like what they ate in the mornings, that you don’t even realize you associate with them until they’re gone. … I wish neither of them had died. I miss them both every day.”

After engaging in several discussions with other people who’ve lost loved ones by suicide and professionals, including a high school counselor and a social worker, the Columbus-based Ohio Suicide Prevention Foundation granted St. Timothy’s a $5,000.00 grant to launch a suicide loss support group. The first cohort met in the fall of 2022 for eight weeks. St. Timothy’s started its third annual eight-week fall support group meetings on September 26. Being Episcopalian or a parishioner at St. Timothy’s isn’t required to join the support group.

September has been designated National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month since 2008. It’s a time to remember people who have died by suicide, raise awareness, acknowledge those who’ve been impacted by suicide, and connect people with suicidal ideation to treatment services.

St. Timothy’s support group is an opportunity for people who have lost loved ones to suicide to share a meal, express grief, cry, sit in silence, read poetry, vent, and sometimes laugh. Participants also read and discuss “Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart,” by Alan Wolfelt, during meetings. Jennings said faith and spirituality are oftentimes discussed during sessions, but the support group isn’t intended as evangelism.

Joan Luthanen, a nurse who lost her fiancé to suicide four years ago, was a part of the first cohort. She now co-leads the support group with Jennings.

“It’s important to have a safe place for people to work through everything. …When someone you love dies by suicide, you feel like you’re going crazy in a fog trying to make sense of things, and it’s not going to make sense,” Luthanen told ENS. “The support group is a place where you can say things where no one thinks you’re crazy or have bizarre thoughts because they’ve probably also been there. It’s a place where you don’t feel alone with your feelings.”

Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the United States, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In 2022, more than 49,000 deaths were ruled a suicide, an increase of 2.6% from 2021. Worldwide, about 726,000 people die by suicide annually, according to the World Health Organization.

Jennings said the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) popularized in Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ 1969 book, On Death and Dying, don’t necessarily apply to people mourning the death of a loved one who died by suicide, because “suicide grief is a different kind of grief.” The more-than-50-year-old five stages framework has been scrutinized in recent years because grief doesn’t necessarily follow a pattern and every person grieves differently. Forcing someone to go through each stage to achieve the goal of “acceptance” can cause more harm than good, he said.

“Losing a loved one to a car crash, heart attack, cancer or dementia—they didn’t intend to die,” Jennings said. “But losing a family member or friend to suicide means they, at least in the moment, intended to die. Their death leaves us with unanswerable questions.”

Jennings and Luthanen both said that talking about suicide with other people can be difficult or impossible because the topic is still heavily stigmatized and misunderstood.

“Sometimes people don’t want to talk about it. They’re like, ‘Oh, come on already,’ but this grief goes on forever,” Luthanen said. “I’ve been through other losses in my life, but my fiancé’s death was the hardest because of the circumstances surrounding it, and I wasn’t prepared on how to deal with it.”

“After a week in the support group, most people say, ‘Thank God I have somebody I can talk with now,’ because there can be such an isolation,” Jennings said. “Sometimes people get shamed for still grieving, but it’s already hard enough to live having a loved one die by suicide without added negativity piled on top.”

For centuries, Christianity has considered suicide a taboo. St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas—citing the Sixth Commandment, “You shall not kill” —both condemned suicide as an unrepentant sin. Beginning in the Middle Ages, people who died by suicide were denied Christian burial, and people who attempted suicide were subject to excommunication.

Today, many denominations, including the Episcopal Church, acknowledge that mental illness and other factors contribute to suicidal ideation. At its 73rd General Convention in 2000, the Episcopal Church passed Resolution D008, pledging prayer, support and advocacy for suicide prevention awareness. In 2018, General Convention passed Resolution C014, which recognized that “clergy and adults who work with youth are often on the frontlines of suicide prevention.” Under C014, institutions and diocesan programs are encouraged to offer four hours of evidence-based suicide prevention training education for priests, deacons and any adults who work with younger people.

Additionally, congregations are encouraged “to call on state and federal leaders to develop and implement strategies to increase access to quality mental health, substance abuse and suicide prevention services.”

“If you’ve never gone through this before, listen with your heart, not your head,” Luthanen said. “If you’re talking to someone who’s in mourning, reinforce to that person that they are not to blame.”

Medical experts say that eliminating the stigma around suicide and mental health is key to prevention. Research shows that not discussing suicide increases the likelihood of attempting suicide and decreases the likeliness of someone struggling with suicidal ideation and mental illness to seek help.

Suicide also has a domino effect; multiple studies show that people dealing with suicide bereavement are at higher risk of developing major psychological changes, including mental illness and suicidal ideation. That’s why resources, like St. Timothy’s suicide support group, are crucial.

Jennings said suicide support groups are not a cure-all for bereavement, and speaking one-on-one with a therapist or being prescribed antidepressants if needed “can also lead to a lot of good.” For Jennings, his faith has alleviated his grief over time.

“I look at suicide from the viewpoint that Jesus went and looked for his lost sheep, and that our loved one got lost and made a decision at that moment—and probably didn’t realize it— but Jesus never quit looking for them,” Jennings said. “I wish that people didn’t kill themselves, but when it does happen, it should be a call for compassion and not judgment.”

Anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts or emotional distress can call the 24-hour Suicide & Crisis Lifeline toll-free at 9-8-8 to receive local mental health assistance, or they can text 435748 for support and resource information. Having health insurance isn’t required. The Episcopal Church’s Department of Faith Formation also offers a list of mental health and suicide prevention resources on its website. This includes free online intervention training through LivingWorks, creator of safeTalk, an evidence-based training program that teaches participants how to identify the warning signs of someone contemplating suicide and how to prevent it.

—Shireen Korkzan is a reporter and assistant editor for Episcopal News Service. She can be reached at skorkzan@episcopalchurch.org.