From the Rector

Dear Friends in Christ,

One of the quotes that has become dear to me in parenting and in ministry is from Mr. Rogers. Yes, that Mr. Rogers who was, in his humble way, a profound theologian and teacher.

The quote is, “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like ‘struggle.’ To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."

Love is an active noun. Anyone who has loved someone from beginning to end or anywhere in between can tell you the truth of this simple fact. Love takes work and is a bit of an endurance sport at times!

In our lives we have different approaches to love. Sometimes we try to love with an eye toward what’s possible. We push and pull and prod and correct and remonstrate and demonstrate all with the goal of improving the future possibilities of the one we love. This might mean a bit of yelling to get some homework done or a bit of nagging to get a loved one to take their health more seriously. We see a future unfolding that we either want to encourage or avoid, so we love with a type of forceful hubris, all the while assuming we know what’s best (and we just might). 

The other approach to love is a calmer type. It’s one that finds its strength in the patient willingness to let life unfold and to be there as a support, friend, resource, sounding board, and cheerleader. This kind of love looks for ways not to shape the person but to be patient enough with them to let who they truly are, or will be in the future, be enough for right now. This kind of love is just as active because it requires a force of restraint—we have to restrain the need to be right in favor of the deeper need of the relationship.

I’ve heard these two types of love described as craftsman love and gardener love. Do we see ourselves making something or letting something grow?

I see the difference between the two types of love unfold in our house as I observe the difference between school year parenting and summer parenting. In the school year, we’re driving the kids. We’re strict about homework and all the responsibilities they have. In the summer, we’re quite a bit more lax. We let the children waste time and explore and be bored. 

I’m not sure one is necessarily more right or wrong but I do think that it’s easy to fall into the trap of relying too much on one or the other. Sometimes we all need a push and sometimes we all need someone to listen.

Jesus modeled both types of love in Scripture. Sometimes he patiently lets the disciples get things wrong or just spends time in conversation and dialogue. Other times, he’s direct and forces hard choices. Sometimes the savior we need is the one who is patient and sometimes we need the savior who shows up with clear answers to our nagging questions.

Sometimes, during the school year, I long for the easy summer days. During the summer, though, there are times when order is needed! 

In all of this, though, there is a balance, isn’t there? There is a loving tension that really defines the love we have for others. It’s the awareness of the different kinds of love and the attention we give to being present that helps shape the quality and nature of the love we share.

God shows up in all the ways we do. God longs for a way of love for us that we can’t see on our own. He models it, gives commandments, tells stories, and offers himself as an example of sacrificial holiness. He doesn’t content himself to love us in only one way. He’s constantly striving to reach us, to shape us, to let us find ourselves and him.

That’s all we can ask for in life—to love and to be loved enough to grow in faith, hope, and joy. A love like that changes us, changes those we love, and brings us ever closer to God in all the ways that will delight him and us too—if we let it.

Let’s pay attention to how we love in the weeks ahead so that we can find ourselves drawn more deeply into the many ways God loves us.

Yours in Christ,

—Fr Robert