How to show support

EDITOR’S NOTE: Saint Philip’s Parish Nurse Carol Jones offers some guidance for how to approach someone who is grieving. She provides recommendations for what to avoid and suggestions for what to do.

Saint Philip’s Grief Support Group meets weekly 10:30am-12:00pm on Tuesdays in the Parish Nurse’s office across from the fish pond. All are welcome to attend regularly or on a drop-in basis. For more information email parishnurse@stphilipstucson.org.

For the person who is grieving, grief takes on many forms, and it’s okay to process these feelings in your own way. You may feel lost and have feelings of shock, anxiety, despair, confusion, longing, and disorientation. No two people grieve the same and there is no length of time to grieve. There is no expiration date.

We all have times when words fail us. We don’t know what to say and well-meaning but troublesome expressions are uttered. Some phrases that you don’t want to say to someone grieving are:

—It could always be worse.
—I’m not surprised they died.
—It was fate/destiny.
—His/her death was a part of God’s plan. Everything happens for a reason (Not everyone believes this, especially if it was a sudden or traumatic death).
—It was his/her time.
—Death is a part of the circle of life. It’s only natural.
—You still have it better than others.
—It was harder when I lost my own loved one (An unfair comparison).
—You’ll get over this soon. (You can’t rush the grieving process, and it often takes longer than expected to feel any better).
—You’re still young. 

Avoid saying “he’s in a better place “ or “she’s in heaven now” which are well-meaning but not helpful. Another thing we often hear is “I know how you are feeling.” Probably not, as everyone experiences loss differently.

So what do you say that is caring and supportive to the grieving person? You might consider:

—I’m so sorry for your loss of _____.
—You have my deepest sympathy for your loss of_____.
—He/she will be missed.
—He/she was loved by everyone.
—I can’t express how sorry I am to hear of _____’s death.
—I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
—I’m here for you anytime you need to talk or someone to lean on.
—I know you are dealing with a lot right now but let me know if there is anything I can do at this time.

The grieving person wants to hear simple and heartfelt expressions. They need to feel your support and comfort. Sometimes all you need to do is to sit with them quietly and if they need to talk, then they will. Just listen. People expect you to “move on” but you eventually learn to live alongside grief instead of overcoming it.